Unexpected
by xCastielsGirlx
Summary: Now a series of Crack-fics for xtykimikkx Part V:The Jeremy Kyle Show. Yes, people, it is happening- after many years of angsting and not getting through to the teme, Naruto decides to bring SAsuke onto the Jeremy Kyle show- with surprising results...
1. Unexpected I: Unexpected

**Author's Note:** So, this was thought of by me and my sister (xtykimikkx) when we were walking back from school. I was going on about Uchiha Babies and she was going on about Kisame wetting himself and it kinda turned out a little like this…

**Warnings:** Pure unadulterated crack, mentions of masturbation-rape, Uchiha babies, mentions of SasuNaru and Kisame.

**Disclaimer:** I don't own these characters- Misashi Kishimoto does- and after this, you'd be glad that my sister and I don't own them :/

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**Unexpected**

Itachi didn't know what to do as, in front of him, stood a very pregnant Sakura and a very confused Naruto. Next to the Uchiha was a fidgety Kisame who was gripping his hair for some apparent reason.

"Itachiii~" Kisame whined, hoping up and down on the spot. Itachi turned Sharingan eyes onto Kisame and glared.

"Not now Kisame- I'm trying to figure this out!" snapped the elder Uchiha as he turned back to the pink haired girl who had a massive grin on her face.

"What did you want Sakura? I kind of need to suck Naruto's soul out," he pressed. Sakura sighed before stating what she had sought out the older Uchiha to tell him.

"I'm pregnant with your Uchiha-Babies!" She announced happily.

Itachi spat out some coffee that was in his mouth for some reason.

"You what?" he asked again.

"Itachi, i really need to-"

"Quiet Kisame! How can you be pregnant with my Uchiha-Babies?" he demanded, trying to remember if he'd even slept with this girl before.

"Y'know your 18th?" she asked.

"He didn't have an 18th party Sakura-chan," Naruto chimed in. Sakura dismissed him.

"Yes he did but I hid your invitation," she admitted, before turning back to the Uchiha that stood before them.

"But I'm a virgin!" Itachi declared proudly.

"Look! I'll show you!" he yelled, pulling up his Akatsuki robe to reveal his perfectly intact 'family-jewels'. Sasuke, for some reason, chose that moment to jump down in front of him, Sharingan activated.

"OH GOD! I'VE GONE BLIND!" he screamed, whimpering and curling in on himself and rocking on the floor as Itachi dropped his robes back down.

"Foolish little brother! You know better than to-"

"ITACHI!" Kisame started to cry. Itachi turned on him, Mangekyou Sharingan activated.

"In a minute Kisame!" he snapped as the blue haired man hopped up and down on the spot. He then turned back to Sakura. Naruto was trying to coax Sasuke to stand whilst giving him the whole 'come back to the village' speech.

"How did it even happen? I never passed out at my 18th!" he yelled. Sakura chuckled nervously.

"Well, you know when we were playing seven minutes in heaven and you went in with Konan and she gave you a hand job?" Sakura told him nervously, scratching her neck. Itachi's eye twitched.

"I can't believe I forgot that Konan has bigger boobs that you," he muttered.

"Wait! It was only a hand job, how could you have-"

"Itachi! _Please _hurry up! I really need the bathro-"

"Not now Kisame! Did you seriously artificially inseminate yourself with my sperm?" Itachi asked, horrified. Sakura nodded.

"And now I have your Uchiha-Babies growing inside me! Isn't it beautiful?" she asked with a dreamy sigh, clutching her hands together and pressing them to her face.

"Now Naruto and Sasuke can fuck one another and the Uchiha clan can still continue with our Uchiha Babies, Itachi-sama!" Sakura gushed, sparkles falling off her body. Sasuke and Naruto had both gone pale at that- strangely though, Sasuke had a nosebleed.

"So let me get this straight- you practically raped me, so that you could have my Uchiha-Babies and appease SasuNaru fans?" Itachi asked. Sakura nodded.

"And now I shall have your Uchiha-Babies!" She yelled, cackling evilly- the classic MWAHAHAHAHA! Pose and all. Kisame then sobbed, and his hair was dripping.

"'Tachi~" he whined.

"WHAT?_!_" he snapped finally, confused by all the Uchiha-Baby nonsense. Kisame sniffed as something warm and yellow dripped from his hair.

"I wet my hair," he sniffed. Everybody blinked.

"You _wet_ your_ hair_?" Itachi asked incredulously. Sakura blinked.

"Even for me that's fucked up!" she said, turning on her heel.

"I'll call you when the Uchiha-Babies are born!"

"Will you please stop saying Uchiha babies, please?" Naruto begged. Sakura's eyes went wide.

"But Naruto! If you used the sexy jutsu for nine months, you could have Sasuke's Uchiha-babies!" she gasped. Kisame looked to Itachi.

"Can I have some Uchiha-babies?" he asked, holding his hands out. That's when Sasuke ran up to him and landed a solid kick between his legs.

"Nobody takes Uchiha-Babies through asking!" he yelled, having to be dragged back by Naruto the village with a very pregnant Sakura and a very confused Naruto, muttering about Uchiha-Babies the whole time.

And three months later, in Konoha hospital, the first batch of Uchiha-Babies were born.

"I demand CSA from you Itachi!" Sakura declared as he stood at her side. Itachi blinked.

"I need a permanent address for the CSA and I don't have a bank account. I steal. I'm an S class nin now. Sorry, you're on your own!" Itachi yelled, pointing at the pink-haired girl who currently had her arms full of Uchiha –Babies. She shrugged and gave them to Shikamaru who just looked trouble.

"Oh well- I still have some from Kakashi that time I was pretending to Iruka," she smirked before skipping off into the distance to have a batch of Hatake-Babies, ignoring the weird sounds coming from the Uchiha Manor at the same time.

Kakashi didn't know what to do as, in front of him, stood a very pregnant Sakura and a very confused Naruto. Next to the Hatake was a fidgety Asuma who was hopping on the spot for some reason.

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**As I said- pure unadulterated crack :/ I didn't even find it that funny but me and xtykimikkx have been practising it too much for it to be funny anymore XD But still.**

**Oh, if you don't get the 'I wet my hair' reference- don't worry. It's something we came up with- I shoved my sister in a puddle as it was raining and she had those ridiculous plimsoll things and it had a hole in it and she said that she'd wet her shoe. As said before, it was raining and the only part that was wet on my hair was my fringe and I leant down and a lot of water just dripped off my fringe and onto the floor- hence the phrase "I wet my hair" was from XD**


	2. Unexpected II: Bedroom Conversations

**Author's Note:** So, I've decided to add another chapter to this. Why? Because Whilst my beloved sister and I were sitting in bed about an hour and a half ago- something like this happened... Picture me as Itachi and my sister as Sasuke (Fuck yeah, I'm the older sister :3) Also, the bit where- well, I'll just say 'The Grudge' part actually happened a while back in the evening but it was still hilarious XD And the last bit is entirely fictional. Apart from the argument- we have those sometimes :3

**Warnings:** more crack, mentions of SasuNaru, Uchihacest and creepy Itachi-ness

**Disclaimer:** Once more, you don't _want_ me to own them- I leave that to Kishimoto-sensei!

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**Unexpected II: Bedroom Conversations**

Itachi sat there on his bed that was pushed almost flush against his little brother's, typing on his laptop. Now, Sasuke- being the rational minded person he was- expected Itachi to be doing something University related. He looked over to the screen and choked on his spit.

"Robot Unicorn Attack?" he asked. Itachi just looked to his brother, maintaining his perfect score, going past ten thousand as he did so.

"Yeah, what about it?" He asked, tapping the 'z' and 'x' every now and then.

"Dude, it's creepy when you do that!" Sasuke cowered, turning over but still feeling the impassive stare on his back.

"Stop staring at me Itachi!" Sasuke growled, turning over once more to glare at his older brother.

"Only if review my FanFictions!" he declared, still tapping the two buttons every now and then. Headphones were plugged in, but Sasuke could still hear the creepy music that came with the game.

"What the hell? You write Wincest. No way!" he protested, flipping onto his back. Itachi then noticed something.

"My, you seem very _wooden_ this evening," he snickered. Sasuke looked down and blushed.

"Fuck," he muttered, glaring at his older brother who glanced at Sasuke's iPod.

"Are you watching porn?" he snickered once more. Sasuke glared harder.

"No. I'm not you. I don't read porn either." He sniffed indignantly.

"But you do have wet dreams about Naruto," he replied, smirking when the younger brother blushed.

"You were very eager in your dream. I feel sorry for your Ichigo plushie," he snorted.

"Mmm, Naruto," he groaned in mock pleasure, doing the hip thrusts to go with it. Sasuke growled.

"Fuck off!" he growled.

"Not without you, Sasu-chan. Or would Naruto get jealous?" he winked. Sasuke spluttered.

"Dude, that's just wrong!" Sasuke snapped, turning over.

"Now if you don't mind, I'm going back to sleep. It's too early for this shit," Sasuke complained, despite the fact it was quarter to one in the morning. Silence descended upon the room but for some reason, Sasuke felt uncomfortable. The music was still loud enough to be heard through the headphones. A bead of sweat ran down his head.

"Itachi, please stop staring at me," he told his older brother, turning over in his bed to see Itachi blankly staring at him. Sasuke tutted and closed his eyes. He still felt the presence of those eyes on him though.

"Itachi- stop staring at me!" Sasuke snapped, pulling his eyes open before blinking them shut again. There was a slight shifting noise and he felt a presence quite close to his face. He opened his eyes and screamed quite loudly as Itachi's face was not two centimetres from his, a massive grin on his face.

"If you don't get out of my face, I _will_ bitch-slap you!" Sasuke growled. Itachi smirked.

"You wouldn't," he teased. His eyes widened in shock when Sasuke went to carry through with his threat.

"I'll stop staring at you if you review my stories. And I won't tell Naruto that you had wet dreams about him," Itachi bargained. Sasuke glared once more.

"Fine!" he resolved, turning over to go to sleep. Itachi chuckled.

"I've got to write this for the Winchester brothers. Maybe you could be Sam and having wet dreams about Dean. And then it would go on to-"

"I don't wanna hear it!" Sasuke groaned.

"But just think of how hot they are together!" Itachi whined, getting up a word document and staring to type.

"You're sick," Sasuke commented, going to close his eyes but he couldn't when his dream popped into his mind.

"Fuck, I'm hard," he complained. Itachi smirked.

"Oh, this is so going in!" he chuckled. Sasuke glared.

"I fucking hate you," he groaned as he sat up.

"I'm taking a cold shower," he told his brother, getting out of bed. Itachi stopped typing when he looked at his younger brother. He choked on some spit and smashed his head against the keyboard.

"You slept naked! Oh my God!" he gasped, clawing his eyes out. Sasuke smirked.

"Makes the dreams _so_ much better!" he teased, walking out of the room.

"You're an ass, Sasuke!" Itachi yelled after his brother before reaching behind him for the coffee that was cold from a few hours ago. Shrugging, he drained the cup and heard the shower start up before an idea popped up into his head. Knowing Sasuke as he did, he knew the boy would most probably go downstairs for some juice after his shower. They had watched both 'The Grudge' and 'The Grudge 2' earlier in the day and Itachi snickered as he remembered the plans he had made earlier that day. Setting the laptop aside, he pulled his hair out of its usual tie. He grabbed some of Sasuke's hair products to make his hair look greasy and matted. He also snuck into his parents' room and took one of his mum's white nightgowns. As predicted, he heard the door open and the younger Uchiha walk downstairs for some juice. They were lucky that their parents' were camping for the weekend with Naruto's, leaving the blond with his older brother, Kyuubi. Itachi walked to the top of the stairs. Their house- very conveniently- resembled that of the one from the film and he got down onto all fours at the top of the stairs and began to do the creepy croaky thing that the girl did in the movie. His hair fell in front of his face as he began to move exactly like the girl in the film down the stairs.

In the kitchen, Sasuke heard a banging and looked towards the stairs. Itachi was most probably still on the laptop, writing his porn, and so he shook it off, still holding the juice bottle in his hand. Then he heard the croaking. Almost in slow motion, his head whipped to see something crawling down the stairs, matted long hair in front of their face and a white nightgown.

"HOLY SHIT!" he screamed, running forward and smacking the thing over the head extremely hard with the juice bottle. 'She' fell down the last few stairs with a cry that sounded far too masculine and Sasuke looked at who it was before starting to hit them again with the juice bottle.

"Itachi you bastard!" he yelled. Unfortunately, he'd been too enthusiastic with the hitting and his towel fell down, sending Itachi into peals of laughter.

"Ahaha! Your face!" he squeaked, making the younger Uchiha blush.

"Fuck you Itachi, I'm going to bed!" he yelled, stomping up the stairs. Itachi chuckled and followed his little brother up.

"Don't have another wet dream!" he yelled. Sasuke grumbled as Itachi got into his bed and faced the wall. Something was bugging him though. His eyebrow twitched.

"Itachi, stop staring at me!" he snapped. The shower started up and Sasuke froze on the spot, dreading to turn over in bed.

"I-Itachi?" he stuttered, not wanting to turn over and see the impossible. Singing started up in the shower. Itachi was definitely in the shower- the bed beside him creaked and so did the floorboards that belonged to the attic. Swallowing, he turned over and came face to face with-

"ARRGGH!" Sasuke screamed. Itachi smirked in the shower. His job was done- all he needed to do now was write it down and post it onto the internet. He entered his room, towel around his waist as he spotted Naruto in fits of laughter on the floor and Kyuubi coming down the steps that led to the attic.

"Nice work guys," he chuckled. Kyuubi just shrugged and Naruto went to the laptop.

"Sweet! Robot Unicorn Attack!" he cried out in joy as Sasuke came around after fainting.

"Itachi?" Sasuke asked sweetly. The elder Uchiha swallowed.

"Yes Sasuke?" he replied. Kyuubi and Naruto watched nervously as the brothers had a silent conversation with their eyes.

"I'm telling Kyuubi about your wet dreams about him," he smirked. Kyuubi turned an interesting shade of red and Naruto started to cry with laughter. Itachi growled.

"Well at least I don't have wet dreams about Naruto!" he yelled back, ceasing the blond's laughter.

"Wh-what?" he spluttered. Sasuke went just as red as Kyuubi's hair.

"Pervert!"

"Duck-Butt!"

"Pedophile!"

"Bed wetter!"

"Fox fucker!"

"Naruto- basher!"

"Pillow humper!"

"Shower singer!"

"AT LEAST I CAN SING!"

"NO YOU CAN'T!"

"I'D LIKE TO SEE YOU TRY!"

"FINE!" Sasuke roared, grabbing the headphones and ripping them out and beginning to sing along to the song from Robot Unicorn Attack. Everybody stood in shock.

"How the hell do you know the lyrics?" Itachi asked, confused. Sasuke shrugged.

"The game's addicting," he admitted. Itachi blinked before chuckling. Sasuke joined in until both of them were on the floor, holding their sides. Naruto looked scared at them before he realised what had just been said. Both brothers fainted and the Uchihas looked at them and then each other.

"Don't rape him whilst asleep," Itachi chuckled, lifting Kyuubi's unconscious form over his shoulder whilst Sasuke dealt with Naruto. They put them in their parents' room and smirked when they saw what they could do. Sneakily, they wound the brothers together in a provocative pose. Sasuke then smirked and went back in his room to his bedside drawer where he withdrew a packet of condoms and some lube.

"Why the hell do you have those?" Itachi asked incredulously. Sasuke smirked.

"Why the hell _wouldn't_ I have them?" he asked suggestively. Itachi paled.

"Don't tell me-" Sasuke's smirk grew.

"I'm just going to leave you wondering," he told the 21 year old. Itachi's mouth fell open.

That was unexpected.

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**Whoo! Done it! Boo yah! But yeah, you can see that when my sister and I get together, we end up with random shit occurring. I love it when we role-play though (not that way you sick bastards!) But yeah, we usually end up with crack stuff I want to write.**

**Review if you deem it worthy enough :3**


	3. Unexpected III: Broker of What Now?

**Author's Note:** xtykimikkx didn't have any input with this one- but my brother did- and my awesome RE teacher- but yeah, this is what happens when- well, you'll find out.

**Warnings:** I don't know, but some people may find this upsetting- just sayin'. Crack- chicken nuggets, broccoli and nude blonds XD

**Disclaimer:** Me no own! Misashi Kishimoto love them long time. Ten dollar, borrow, borrow! XD

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**Unexpected III: Broker of What Now?**

It was a shame, really, that such a person had to die. Sasuke Uchiha eyed the body by his scalpel with something with disappointment- it really was a shame. He lowered the scalpel, about to make the first incision when a phone rang on the side. Sighing, he placed his tool down, whilst going to answer it.

"Uchiha Crematorium, how may I help?" he asked, facing away from the body that was lying nude on the work bench. Whilst Sasuke continued to talk on the phone, something strange was happening to the body behind him. It was sitting up, opening blue eyes. The blond looked around, spotted Sasuke- saw his naked form.

And then he screamed.

Loudly.

Which in turn caused Sasuke to scream and slam the phone down onto the holder.

"WHERE AM I?_!_" the blond screamed. Sasuke just looked paler than normal.

"Oh dear God, my secret has been discovered! I knew I shuoldn't have been an illegal tissue broker but Itachi just wouldn't listen!" he raged, pacing.

"How do you think I feel_?_! I've been lying on here naked for God knows how long with you poking at my-" he squeaked, stopping when he saw a round saw and a scalpel. He gasped.

"Bastard! You were planning on chopping me up and feeding me to your deranged cat, weren't you?_!_" He yelled, covering his man parts whilst pointing at the raven with his other. Sasuke growled.

"Listen here dobe, just because Mittens has rabies, doesn't make her deranged!" he yelled, feeling hurt that the blond had insulted his cat.

"Mittens?" he asked, confused. Sasuke sighed.

"Listen, dobe-"

"It's Naruto," the blond cut in.

"Listen, _dobe_; you're meant to be dead right now! Hence the reason you're at this place! Now be a good dobe and die so I can continue in my illegal trade!" Sasuke stressed. Naruto grinned nervously and scratched the back of his neck with his free hand.

"Ah, about that- I was faking my death," he explained, making the raven freeze on the spot.

"What? But I need your heart to transport for a transplant surgery in less than three hours!" Sasuke yelled, stepping closer, grabbing the circular saw. Naruto paled.

"FUCK THIS!" he screamed, jumping up and dashing down the hallways of the crematorium.

"GET BACK HERE NARUTO!" Sasuke yelled, ripping the plug for the saw out of the wall as he gave chase.

"NEVER!" was the replying yell as he streaked through a funeral service, upsetting several people and causing the Catholic Priest to faint of a nosebleed. Naruto was only 15 after all. The sight for him was ruined, however, when the 21 year old Uchiha Sasuke came running through with the saw.

"Get your tanned ass back here!" he yelled as the blond hid behind the coffin. Sensing an opportunity, Sasuke grabbed the axe for the fire exit and approached the coffin.

"HERE'S SASUKE!" he madly cackled, hacking the coffin to bits as the blond squeaked and pelted past a candle altar, knocking it over, setting fire to a flag as he did so. Somebody screamed.

"FIRE! GET THE AXE!" a pinkette yelled as she chased after Sasuke. The raven sighed and turned on the spot.

"YAOI!" He defended, making blood spurt out of her nose and her body collapse to the floor. Naruto stood frozen, staring at the pinkette.

"Dude, was that Fus-Ro-Dah?" he asked, tilting his head. Sasuke shrugged.

"It's Fus-Ro-dah for yaoi fangirls," he told the blond, who just stood there in all his naked glory, folding his arms across his chest.

"Can we take a break? I kinda got splinters from the coffin back there," Naruto sheepishly told the raven who just nodded.

"Sure, let's go into the office for a cup of tea," he suggested. Naruto smiled happily and entered the green office.

"Two sugars, lots of milk," the blond asked. Sasuke nodded and poured the tea from the teapot he always kept in his office. Naruto accepted the cup of tea.

It was thirty minutes before the blond had managed to get all of the splinters out of himself and finish his cup of tea. The thirty minutes was full of mundane talking in which the two learned substantial amounts of things about one another. Sasuke checked his watch and jumped up, pouncing on the blond, grabbing a butter knife as they fell to the floor.

"AHA! Now you have no way of escaping!" he cackled, pressing the knife to the tan neck. Tears filled those with cerulean blue eyes.

"Please don't! I'll give you anything!" Naruto begged, trying to get his nudeness away from the Uchiha above him. Sasuke thought for a minute before smirking.

"Anything?" he asked in a low, bedroom voice. Naruto blushed and nodded. Sasuke chuckled.

"I want…" he started, leaning towards the blond's lips. Naruto swallowed and squeezed his eyes shut.

"I want…" he whispered once more. Naruto was starting to fear for his ass virginity now as the raven drew closer and closer- before he jumped back and the lights went off, replaced with disco lights.

"Yo I'll tell you what I want; what I really, really want-" Sasuke started

"So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!" Naruto replied

"I'll tell you what I want; what I really, really want"

"So tell me what you want, what you really, really want!" Naruto stressed

"I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really, really wanna UNLIMITED LIFETIME SUPPLY OF CHICKEN NUGGETS!" Sasuke ended up yelling. Naruto blinked, feeling at ease now that his ass virginity was safe.

"Oh, okay." He replied happily, turning to walk away and forget the whole fiasco, move to Mexico and open a tortilla stand with his friend Kiba.

"And your ass." Sasuke deadpanned. Naruto sighed and turned around.

"Bite me," he replied- and to which Sasuke gladly did. Many times until he had the blond at his feet and begging for more.

After all, he had an unlimited lifetime supply of chicken nuggets to share!

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**Ha! Yeah, don't leave me alone with my brother or RE teacher (Brother because he inspired the 'Spice Girls' and my RE teacher 'cause I'll jump him XD) **

**REVIEW! Otherwise the chicken nuggets will get you o.O **


	4. Unexpected IV: I CHOOSE YOU!

**Author's Note:** WOO! More crack! This one has many combined efforts. There was me, my sister, my brother _and_ my friend involved in this one! You can tell the parts that were inspired by me… urhurhur, pervy SasuNaru XD

**Warnings:** Crack, SasuNaru, Gourd-babies, Gaara, Fangirls aaaand poképrotagonists. Swearing too!

**Disclaimer:** The more you laugh at this, the more Masashi owns them.

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**Unexpected IV: I CHOOSE YOU!**

The wind was swaying the grass to an invisible beat as on the field, stood the two legendary ninjas.

Jiraiya and Orochimaru.

It had finally come. The greatest battle of all time was to be played out on this field. Carefully constructed rules; regulations. Each had their secret weapon sealed away.

But they had forgotten.

There was a small crucial detail, which would change the fate of every ninja in the entire universe. This small fact was the difference between peace, hell and just pure oddity. Jiraiya stood there; hair mirroring that of his opponents as he stood on the grass, braced for the worst, the only thing on his person was a small messenger bag. It was all he needed. Orochimaru smile the creepy grin of his as he surveyed the calm man in front of him.

"You'll never win, pervert! My weapon is by far greater than yours!" he sneered, hand going to his belt where a small red and white sphere hung. Jiraiya grinned, withdrawing a similar looking object.

"Oh contraire snake-eyes; mine is much better than yours," he replied seriously. Orochimaru laughed a cold and evil laugh that would've sent any lesser man running to the hills.

But they still hadn't remembered that tiny fact.

"Mine's level 99! How can you beat that?_!_" Orochimaru roared. Tossing the ball through the air whilst screaming:

"DUCK-BUTT! I CHOOSE YOU!" Jiraiya's jaw dropped as out of the ball flew a man the same age as his weapon with wolf ears and a tail. He stood there looking bored, hands in his pockets.

"Bastard, my name's Sasuke," the raven muttered, more to himself than anyone.

Jiraiya snorted.

"Though mine is a lower level, you cannot doubt his ability." He sneered, hand twitching around the ball he held in his fist. With a confident smirk, he threw it through the air.

"DEAD-LAST! I CHOOSE YOU!" he yelled and Orochimaru watched as a man, a little shorter than 'Duck-butt', evolved with a foxtail and ears. He growled at his master.

"Dammit Jiraiya- my name's Naruto! N-A-R-" he stopped in his rant when he sensed something in the air. His ears perked and his tail twitched as he turned to see Sasuke looking at him with a hungry look in his eye. Naruto gulped and shifted slightly on the spot. Orochimaru smirked, mistaking the action for nervousness and fear. It was to show that, but for a different reason than the ninja thought.

The simple fact they had forgotten was this:

It was Heat.

Naruto turned back to Jiraiya, a pleading look in his eyes.

"Jiraiya-sama, put me back in that ball, right now!" he yelled, desperation seeping into his voice as Sasuke slowly advanced. Orochimaru sneered.

"You see, he is quivering in fear right now!" he told the other, who was looking to his weapon with a small amount of disappointment.

"Naruto, we've talked about this and-"

"Jiraiya-sama, you don't get the situation!" Naruto squeaked, dodging and hiding behind his master as Sasuke leapt at him. Jiraiya sighed.

"Naruto, what's gotten into y-" his question was cut off, however, when the blond fox-boy was dragged down by the raven wolf-boy.

"NOOO!" he yelled, as he was being straddled form behind, teeth pulling at his left ear.

"Jiraiya! HELP!" Naruto screamed as his master watched with now understanding eyes when Sasuke started to strip the blond. Orochimaru was speechless at what was about to occur between the two hybrids.

"I can't Naruto; I'm off to a wedding! I hope you and Sasuke have fun though!" he smiled, disappearing, but not before hearing a strangled moan of pleasure. Jiraiya shuddered as he popped into existence outside of a chapel. He looked to his left to see the bride and smiled.

"Ah, I hope you have a brilliant day ma'am," he told the bride, tipping his head before going inside and sitting down at the front. Gaara stood at the front, back to the entrance door. There was a cage in the corner, filled with ravenous females of all ages, arms clawing outside of the bars like zombies in an amateur George Romero zombie film. Their smudged lipstick just added to the effect. Everybody ignored them as the doors swung open, revealing Gaara's gourd. It was in a white dress and propelling itself down the walkway via a trail of sand. Gaara looked over his shoulder to beam at his soon-to-be wife as it made its way down the aisle. The howling of the women increased as they eyed the gourd, apparently 'stealing their place'. People ignored them to watch the happy couple wed and kiss. The priest (it was Baki) smiled and waved his arms around the place.

"You may now release the fangirls!" he called in a mystical- and possibly high- voice. A man, trembling, slid the bolt lock across. He was instantly flattened by the females as they ran to get a piece of their Gaara. The redhead and the gourd managed to fight them off and were soon standing in a puddle of deceased Fangirl. Gaara smiled at the gourd.

"I'll always choose you," he told it sweetly, pressing a small kiss to it.

**Several (about 5?) Years Later…**

The pitter-patter of little feet was running around the household of both the Uchiha and the Sabaku. In the formers house, little fox-wolf-boys and girls were running around, being chased by a blond fox-man whilst the wolf-man sat on the couch, a small smile on his face.

In the house of the Sabaku, little boys and girls sat in the background, wearing gourd-diapers and making sandcastles that greatly resembled gourds.

In the end, everybody was happy, as unexpected as it was.

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**HA! I don't find this one that funny :/ Dunno why- it sounded better when we discussing it. Either way, here were the inspiration parts:  
Pokémon Battle: My Friend  
GaaraxGourd/ Gourd-babies: My Sister  
Cage 'o' Fangirls: My Brother  
Duck-ButtxDead-Last: Me**

**Review, otherwise we shall release the Fangirls on you! O.o **


	5. Unexpected V: The Jeremy Kyle Show

**Author's Note:** This one was thought of when my friend and I were watching the Jeremy Kyle Show- and she said- "What would it be like if there were a bunch of anime guys, yaoing it up, and then Jeremy Kyle walked in?" Then I was thinking- "What would an episode of 'Naruto' be like if it were to go on the Jeremy Kyle Show?" And here is the result!

**Warnings:** Spoilers, crack and random outbreaks of Llama fights!

**Disclaimer:** LAWL! I'd love it if this were actually an episode :') Both of Naruto _and_ Jeremy Kyle- but unfortunately, I don't own the rights to either of the two :(

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**Unexpected V: The Jeremy Kyle Show**

The greying man sat, facing the cameras that were rolling, broadcasting all over the world. He didn't smile- because this was the badass Jeremy Kyle, and Jeremy Kyle- unless it was a truly momentous event- didn't smile. Frowning, he looked down to the file he held in his hand and just rolled his eyes before looking to the crowd of people and the cameras.

"And next up: My friend/rival/love interest left the village and tried to kill me- but I keep on chasing him." He read aloud, earning a few cheers and jeers from the crowd before him. In all of his years in the industry, Jeremy had never seen a crowd like that one before. There were many odd people, but he took no note- they'd come in later. He looked to the audience to explain the situation.

"Uzumaki Naruto, aged only sixteen, is here today to tell us about how his _best friend_ tried to kill him and ran off with a man who sexually abused him and some other small children- but how he can't stop chasing after him. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome Uzumaki Naruto!" he called, waving his hand to the side of the stage, where the blond walked on, trademark grin at the ready. After shaking Jeremy Kyle's hand, he went to sit down on one of the comfortable chairs on stage. He was greeted by cheers and catcalls when he winked, but Jeremy silence them all with his 'no funny business' look. He knelt down in front of the short blond and smiled.

"So, Naruto. Why don't you tell us what happened in your own words?" Jeremy asked kind, sympathetic- but rare- eyes on the blond. Naruto sighed dramatically, earning a few whimpers from the crowd.

"Well, y'see, Sasuke and I always had what you'd call a love-hate relationship. I mean, we'd constantly be fighting and insulting one another- but I never knew that he'd leave me!" the blond sniffed, obviously still upset. There was a collective wave of 'Awww's from the crowd, but Jeremy waved his hands towards them, effectively silencing them. Tanned hands wiped at cerulean blue eyes and he tried valiantly to continue.

"I tried my hardest to stop him, but he tried to kill me-shoved a Chidori right through my heart!" this earned many gasps from the crowd, but brave Naruto continued.

"And I chased him for about three years- I was 12 when he left- and then do I find out he's joined the organisation that's after the Jinchûriki! And then he's hell bent on destroying his brother- who was totally framed for the slaughter he committed!" Naruto sobbed, earning a sympathetic pat on the knee.

"Well, we managed to track Sasuke down and he's agreed to be on the show," he told the blond, who looked up, eyes watering. Jeremy Kyle stood up, once more waving his arm towards the side of the stage.

"Ladies and gentlemen, Uchiha Sasuke!" Jeremy called. Sasuke walked through the doors, a scowl on his face as he was greeted by hisses and jeers.

"Hn, you're all idiots," was the only comment as he sat in the seat furthest away from the distraught blond. Jeremy approached the raven with something akin to distaste on his face, yet he tolerated the presence.

"Sasuke, why don't you tell me what this is all about," Jeremy told the raven, who just 'hn'd in response and folded his arms across his chest.

"Look, I can do this the hard way or the easy way," Jeremy sternly told the raven, who glared at the man.

"I'd appreciate it if nearly everyone I know wasn't in the audience," Sasuke replied haughtily as he eyed Karin with an 'I Love Sasuke!' banner.

"I love you Sasuke-kun!" she screamed, earning powerful glares from Sasuke's entire ex-fan group. Jeremy eyed her and everything was quiet for a full five seconds, before a llama was launched at her person, sending her sprawling to the floor. Jeremy hummed and looked to the bodyguard, who was standing at the edge of a stage, a box of llamas nearby. He nodded to the presenter, who just continued with his torturing.

"Now Sasuke, tell us what happened," Jeremy told the raven, leaving no room for argument as the bodyguard's fingers twitched towards the llamas. He folded his arms across his chest and sighed roughly.

"Well, after I was bitten by Orochimaru-" the name itself earned a massive hiss of disapproval and various yells from the crowd- nobody liked Orochimaru.

"Boo!"

"Kiddy-Fiddler!"

"Orochimaru stinks!"

"O.C. Tonight at 9 on FOX!"

"I decided that Konoha wasn't for me and so-"

"Whoa, hang on a second, you can't decide that a place isn't for you and try to kill your best friend over it!" Jeremy told the boy loudly. Sasuke blinked.

"Did you just inter-"

"Interrupt you? Yes I did, you spoilt brat! Now, WHY DID YOU TRY AND KILL THIS BOY?_!_" Jeremy yelled, pointing to Naruto, who was shocked in his chair. Sasuke huffed.

"He was in my way and-"

"So if an old lady was in your way in a shop, you'd Chidori her too?" Jeremy asked coldly. A heavy silence filled the room, answering the question.

"GRAB CHIYO AND RUN!" Gaara yelled, jumping up, and grabbing the old woman next to him. The sand siblings all popped up like Meer cats, and began to run away, squeaking and all. The crowd blinked before Jeremy sighed and sat on the step. An intake of breath was heard by the audience. Everybody knew that when Jeremy sat on that step, you were screwed.

"Sasuke, you had issues as a child, did you not?" Jeremy asked harshly. Sasuke snarled.

"That's none of your goddamn busi-"

"Yes it is my goddamn business! We're here to solve your issues once and for all; so listen to me, you stuck up jerk! Now, we all know you had issues, and so we've asked your brother to come in!" he announced as a tall raven walked onto stage. There were many cheers, jeers and catcalls.

Somebody threw their bra.

It was Shino's.

When the crowd had been subdued- by the llamas- Itachi sat down between Naruto and Sasuke, holding the pink, lacy bra.

"It's good to have you on the show Itachi," Jeremy commented, earning a stiff nod in reply.

"Now, you said you have something to say to your little brother," he prompted, earning another stiff nod for a response. A heady silence was taken over the stage, a cough being the only sound- before the sound of a llama being thrown drowned out the cough. Itachi let out a long, drawn sigh.

"You shouldn't try to kill Naruto or destroy Konoha. It's becau-"

"Fuck you Itachi! You were never there for me!" Sasuke yelled, trying to stand and flay his older brother alive. He was held back by the bodyguard- he'd ran out of llamas to throw- as he made cat –like swipes at his brother.

"You were never there for me brother! And when you were, it was to kill our parents! How can I trust you?_!_" Sasuke almost sobbed. Jeremy blinked and turned to Itachi.

"You two have some major issues. I know that you two love each other very much, and I suggest you go for therapy," he told the elder raven sternly.

"Sasuke, why do you hate us so much?_!_" Naruto sobbed into his hands, the rest of the audience following suit. Sasuke looked at a loss of what to do when face with over a hundred crying people. Jeremy shook his head before anger overtook his features.

"See what you've done?_!_ All because of your greed!" he yelled at the raven that had just gone limp in the bodyguard's arms. Itachi was sobbing too, pulling out a lacy hanky.

He was fond of lace- so it seemed.

"All I wanted to say was that I didn't mean to eat your cookies!" Itachi sobbed into the hanky. Sasuke froze before Naruto joined in.

"And I was only joking when I said I was pregnant!" he wailed pathetically.

"Sasuke-kun has no sense of humour!" Sakura screeched, standing up from her chair.

"And he's always insulting my art, un!" Deidara yelled, trying to contain his tears before he exploded in a cloud of clay-dust.

"He stole my favourite pair of underwear!" Tobi sobbed. Jeremy looked accusingly to the raven.

"You have issues! Now I suggest you man up and go back to your village- and start acting like a proper Uchiha!" his roar was met with man cheers of agreement, and finally, Sasuke relented.

"FINE!" he yelled, throwing Tobi his pair of orange swirly underpants. Instantly, the man cheered up, snuggling the underpants to his face.

"What did you want to say to him Itachi?" Jeremy asked, now that people had calmed down. Itachi sighed, blowing his nose on the hanky.

"I wanted to tell him that his big brother was proud of him- and that he loves him very much!" he wailed, burying his face into Jeremy's chest, the man rubbing soothing circles onto the elder of the Uchiha's back.

"Naruto, do you want to say anything?" Jeremy asked. Everybody waited with baited breath for the statement that was to come from the blond. Naruto sighed and stepped forward, placing a hand on the Uchiha's shoulder.

"Sasuke, you're an asshole of epic proportions-"

"Amen to that, brother," Kiba muttered to Hinata in the crowd before a re-used llama smacked him in the face.

"-you're emotionally crippled and have duck-butt hair, but, I have to say. I've never seen a man so attached to orange to steal a pair of pants that colour. If you want to apologise to me, you are forgiven," Naruto stated with a grin. Sasuke blinked.

"Dobe, who said I was going to apologise?" he asked harshly, earning a collective gasp and more jeering from the crowd. That was the final straw. Jeremy marched up to the raven and pinched his ear.

"Listen here you spoilt brat- you're going to return to Konoha whether you like it or not!"

There were more cheers at this statement.

"And you're going to raise a family- and if I hear so much as a bitch out of you, I will have Gai over there in a man-kini faster than you can say 'Borat'!" everybody wretched at the image but then there were more cheers and tears of relief.

"And you're going to apologise to Naruto!" he roared, earning more approving calls and a "SASUNARU FOR THE WIN!" from a bunch of girls sporting white t-shirts with a picture of the first kiss printed on them. Naruto winked at them, making them squeal harder. After restocking on the llamas, a herd was thrown their way.

Jeremy shoved the raven in front of the slightly shorter blond and everybody waited with baited breath to see what would happen. Black and bruised, the yaoi fangirls leant closer. The Akatsuki leant in further. Kakashi and Sakura leant in further-along with most Konoha residents- and Itachi leant in too.

"I-I'm sorry for being an asshole," Sasuke muttered. Naruto looked overjoyed at the apology and just glomped the older boy, much to the fangirls' delight, as they were soon snapping pictures. Sasuke turned to his older brother, with large, droopy eyes.

"It's just…so _hard_, y'know. But I know, no matter what, that somewhere, deep down in my heart, I still love you!" he sobbed, before Itachi let out the world's longest and best cry.

"Sasuke-kuuuuuuuuuuuuuuun!" he sobbed, grabbing onto the Uchiha's leg.

"I knew we'd get there in the end!" Naruto happily cooed, kissing the raven on the cheek, much to the other's disgust. Nevertheless, Jeremy Kyle had sat on that step- so it was set in stone- he had to return to Konoha and be happy. It was then that a llama was thrown in Naruto's general direction by Karin- and she was furious. The blond ducked, picking up a discarded llama and throwing back her way, before an all-out llama war started. Unperturbed, Jeremy Kyle turned to face the cameras once more.

"And that's another case wrapped up. Coming up: A woman masturbate-raped him, and stole his Uchiha babies whilst his friend suffered from hair wetting. Find out how this'll end, after the break!"

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**YAY! I freaking LOVE Jeremy Kyle- he's definitely one of those older crushes that everybody has- like George Clooney or Will Smith.**

**Well, I hope this entertained you, with a few laughs. They seem to get less and less funny each time (._.) Until the next update!**


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